I normally have an intro. But since this shit is so long, this is as far as my intro is going to take me. Enjoy and good luck finishing it all.

Girl Crazy

I hate this song. It’s poorly written, old, and sung by the Backstreet Boys (not that there is anything wrong with them nor N’sync.) The melody in the song is whack and the song has no real continuous flow. However, I chose to post the chorus to this song because it manages to cover most of the bases when it answers the question of why I am so “girl crazy”.

Most people know me as a “man-whore.” I think this label is very inappropriate and uncalled for due to the exuding fact that I have yet to attain a girlfriend while in college. On a timetable, it’s been two years, four months, and twenty-two days. Now, take into consideration the detail that I’ve probably hit on over sixty-five girls in my tenure at UT. I have covered every foundation of the female prototype, from midget short to tree trunk tall, to girls pencil-thin to rock “solid”, from girls Chinese-American, Chinese-Fob, Vietnamese, Korean-American, Korean-Fob, Half Korean-Half American, Japanese, Latino, and White, from girls with short hair to lusciously long, from girls with black hair to blonde to red-headed, from girls anywhere between 18 and 24 years of age, and from girls hailing from Austin, Houston, Dallas, Connecticut, California, Korea, and to anywhere else I don’t know about. I’ve approached/hit on them at West Mall, North Mall, Jester Lobby, Jester 1^st/3^rd/4^th/8^th Floor, Gregory Gym weight room, in Chem301, at UGL, at PCL, at Littlefield, at Jester City Limits, at UTC, at Dobie Mall, in KOR604, while working at Buffet Palace, at a 3-on-3 basketball tournament, and at AKPC. I realize that this is a lot of information to take in, but believe me when I say that it was much harder to experience. Getting to my point, even with the knowledge of this information, I still refuse to consider myself a “man-whore.” You might be thinking that I’m silly. That I’m foolish. That I’m an idiot. That I’m a desperate bastard willing to sacrifice dignity and pride for the sake of a lover’s touch. If you do, then you are wrong. Undeniably wrong.

I admit it. I’m more girl-crazy than probably any other guy you’ve ever met. My god, there is not a day in my life that goes by without me contemplating the nabbing of a girlfriend. So then one must pose the question of, why do you want a girlfriend so badly?

It’s obvious isn’t it? Chiefly for the same reasons as you, but I have a few separate reasons which you may or may not share. In order to understand this reason, you must first understand one very significant detail of my life. I have all the friends that I need. No more, no less. My social circle is 99.9% complete, filled with the likes of osr, my loved ones, my family and friends. I have enough acquaintances to make your head spin. However, there is one little itty-bitty piece missing; my girlfriend.

I want a girlfriend because I want a female counterpart with whom I can share my life with. My joys, my happiness, my passions, my heartaches, my headaches, my curiosities, my sexuality, and most prominently my knowledge. To put this into more concrete detail, I shall list off a bunch of scenarios in which you can find my reason for yearning.

-You are sitting in your room, and the season is now officially autumn. The frigid, yet refreshing, breeze blows in and out of doorways, windowpanes, car hoods, and patio screens. The breeze, upon entering, comes to a standstill. You might not realize it at first, but sooner or later you recognize the air around you is nipping at your nose. You eventually get used to this, but right before you go to sleep, the beauty of nature caresses your topless body in ways unimaginable once more. It is the feel of your bed in fall time. Everyone should know what I’m talking about at this point. That feeling fills you with the knowledge that the nap you are about to take is going to be splendid and glorious. Now, for me, all I want is a girlfriend to put my arm across, to re-tuck in case the blanket is starting to slide transversely down her upper torso, to kiss before my eyes close for the evening, and to whisper “thank you” for having survived with me throughout the day.

-I just spent the last 36 hours awake, chugging down Starbucks Vanilla Frappachinos and Red Bulls, studying for a test worth 40% of my final grade. I did manage to sneak in an hour or two of sleep here and there, but for the most part my brain is fried. I hitch a ride on the Far West bus, jamming to my iPod, in hopes of relaxing my tension before I put that pencil to paper. I never study the last hour before a test, because by that time, if I’m not ready, I probably won’t be regardless. I hop off the bus, and begin my slow-paced trot to whatever building it is I’m suppose to be headed to. I bust out my cigarette, pause for a moment to light it, take that first amazing drag (that experience of a first drag never gets old, by the way), and continue onward. I reach the building, flick my cigarette as far as humanly possible, take a breath of fresh air and enter that hellhole of a testing site. I grab my scantron, sit down near the back where no one else is around, and wait. The moment has come at last. I’ve spent however many seconds preparing for this, my blood is rushing, my head is thumping, and then something in my pocket starts vibrating. It is my cellphone. I take a quick gander and lo-and-behold, it’s a text message from my “sweetheart.” She says: “Good luck hunnie.” Three words. That’s it. And that’s all I could ever ask for. Regardless of how I perform on the test, it wouldn’t matter, because I know, waiting at home for me somewhere is my girlfriend, thinking about me, when she probably has better things to think about.

-Each and every single day of our lives is unique in its own right. Sure, some days are much, much more memorable than others, but no two days are identical. During the course of any given day, there is something, it doesn’t matter how big or small, but there is something worth mentioning. Whether it be “did you see that girl in the weight room? WHOOOO-WHEEEE!”, or “my teacher was soooo boring today,” or “hey I ran into Brian Sheen and he was looking adorable (Uh Oh!)”. It doesn’t matter what, but there should always be at least one, at LEAST one, thing to talk about or take note of. If not, then you really need to start looking harder. Getting to my point, I want a girlfriend to tell all this to. And I want her to tell it to me. I don’t care about this concert, or guess who’s hooking up, or someone did this at the football game. All I care about is wanting to hear about your day. What made you smile while walking around campus. And if whoever my yuh-jah is has nothing to say, then I’ll do something to make that day worthwhile. I just want someone to talk to, on a level a tad bit deeper than the surface.

I hope these three scenarios present to you some insight into why I long for that “soulmate” so badly. Of course there are many other reasons, and the ones I stated above could be considered superficial. But whoever that one girl is, the one that decides to return these feelings, would have read what I have written above and understood. Understood and has long been wanting the same thing. I’m not writing to this convince you to like me, but if you do? Hey that’s your own thing. But rather I’m writing to express my opinion of the whole dating schema. It truly is a thing of beauty when two people make each other happy. I just wish I could do that for someone, as well.

All this having been said, I could go on, but I will refrain for I know that your patience in reading this might be wearing just a bit thin. However, this last part you really should pay moderately close attention to, because if you are a girl, then you might be mentioned. I am using this essay to segue into something I’ve been wanting to do for quite some time, and with this new school year a few months old, I believe that right now is the right time. I get a WHOLE lot of slack for “liking” a good number of girls, but believe me when I say, you guys are all looking at it in the wrong context. If I asked you to name charming characteristics about the girls you know, you’d be able to list off at least 5 or 6 traits with ease. Moving on, I would then ask you, “would you find her/them attractive, and worth going for?” To this question, you would also reply yes. So then I ask you, “why is it so wrong for me to like her and then her?” If they are both beautiful, both charming, both caring and sweet, and most importantly, deserving of a boyfriend, then why is it so wrong when I find them all attractive? That’s the point. It’s not. I am not a “player” as Travis once told me I was, by word-of-mouth. I am nothing more than an appreciator of beauty. If anything, I ask that you recognize this fact, and look at it from my point of view, not from the view of a spectator, but from the perspective of a guy who tries his hardest to find that one special thing hidden inside every female human being.

Like I said, this is a segue into something else. I know this is going to make this entry twice as long, but trust me, this second half might even be more interesting than the first. As I mentioned prior, there is something wholly beautiful about every girl I know. Unless you are the craziest, meanest, most conceited bitch in the world, then yea, I probably have a thing to say about you. So therefore, I shall proceed to describe your beauty. To make this wholly fair and what not, I’m going to describe every girl at AKPC, because of the sole fact that I’ve spent most of my “off” time with them.  If you are don't go to AKPC, but I write about you, then that's because you are related to that organization.  Also, if I left you off, then I apologize, but I probably did so cause I don't see you enough.

I truly do hope that in no way will I offend anyone. My intention behind this is to express my personal opinion of what makes you drop dead gorgeous. If anything, I hope that you do nothing more than walk away, after having read this, with a smile. Well, here goes nothing.

Girls at AKPC (in alphabetical order by first name):

Charing Hung - Every guy out there has harassed a girl because deep down inside, they have a ginormous crush on them. Why do guys do it? I have no idea, and I can’t honestly say that I haven’t done it either. It’s just one of the many reasons why guys are “stupid.” And even though some girls dislike the harassment and constant prodding, they should at least in some way feel flattered. Charing is beautiful because she seems to be good-humored, lighthearted, and playful - her jovial nature exuding when she beams and giggles. Looking at Charing makes you want to go for a dive off a thirty foot cliff, swing around on a giant black tire+rope, have Friday night slumber parties, and sing your heart out. And for these reasons, Charing will always be “made fun of” because, in truth, guys will always want to “play” with her.

Gena(bobeana) Lee - Imagine a six year old girl. It’s her birthday, but her dad has been occupied at work for the greater portion of the day. But when dinner time rolls around, he enters through the backdoor, and places a gigantic brown teddy bear (and I mean gigantic) in a seat at the dinner table. The mother calls to the little girl, inviting her down for dinner, and when the girl finally reaches the dining room, she is shocked beyond belief. There is her loving father, right next to the CUTEST TEDDY BEAR IN THE WORLD! I am that little girl, and Gena is that teddy bear.

Gloria So - Everybody is surrounded by auras. Whether you see that aura is one thing, but everyone has a faint glimmer condensing the air around them, and each aura is unique to that one individual. Gloria’s aura is angelic. I know this sounds cheesy, but she glows with purity. With or without smile, her countenance can illuminate a room, brightening the blackest of depths and corners, in ways incomprehensible to the human eye. Her beauty provides hope - the hope that one day your dreams can and will come true.

Grace Seon - Everyone hates awkward eye contact. There is just a very unnatural element to the whole practice of it. It’s even worse when you do it twice with the same person. You look, they look, your eyes meet, you both turn away, you look just in case they are still looking, they do the same, and you break for a second time. You might be wondering where I’m going with this, but this is similarly related to why Grace is so beautiful. To put it simply, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH GRACE. Instead of a whole series of awkward events, looking into Grace’s eyes spells danger. Why? Because her eyes are so alluring. When you look into those jewel-speckled eyes, you feel as if you’re being lured in - lured into a web of seduction, desire, and fantasy.

Jennifer Park - Henry David Thoreau, a famous philosopher, once said “Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” This quote holds relevance in all aspects of life. Your faith, your school work and schedule, your friendships, your family life, and your opinion of yourself - All these things, if simplified, would ease the turbulence of life and one would actually be able to sit down and enjoy these gifts. To appreciate the simple necessities of life. Jennifer’s beauty revolves around this quote by Thoreau. Her beauty is simple, without detail or effort or constant strain. It comes to her naturally, and she expresses this beauty with modesty and humbleness. If one would take the time out to just enjoy the gifts of life, then one might be able to enjoy the gift of Jennifer’s beauty.

Jihye Kang - On occasion everyone runs into fellow friends and church members on campus. You exchange a few words, a simple wave of the hand or tilt of the head, and maybe even a smile. But on days in which you are lucky enough, you will bypass Jihye Kang. She’s probably too busy to talk much, but she will always take out the time to smile at you. Her smile is one of the most sincere smiles I’ve ever seen. When you see her on campus, she genuinely and truly looks happy to see you. In turn, I promise you’ll be happy to see and to return that beautiful smile of hers.

Jinsook Kim - Some things in life you don’t appreciate till they are gone. Like home. Like Korean food. Like your dog/cat. Like high school. Like your car. Like money. And like your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. A great deal of our lives is spent living in the past and planning for the future. Not enough people take into account the here-and-now. This might sound a bit too irrelevant to you, but I am using this as a reference point for Jinsook’s beauty. Her beauty lies in consistency. She just always seems to be there, at the right place and at the right time, looking beautiful as always. No one takes note of it, but her beauty has been prevalent throughout ancient history, and continues to be there till the sun fades to black. You never notice the things most easily observed, you never think to appreciate the things that matter most, and you never miss something until it’s gone. But I suggest you pause for a moment and revel in the beauty that is Jinsook, before time slips away and she is gone.

Joanne Hong - At what point and age do boys and girls start looking like men and women? I have no idea, but I know that it isn’t till much later in life. However, Joanne would be an exception. Not to say she looks “old” (because apparently girls hate being called that), but rather she looks very “lady-like.” From her posture, to her clothing, to her hair, to the way she sits down, to the way that she eats, and speaks, and everything else she does. She moves with grace and elegance, that has been refined through decades, but the fact remains that she is only twenty-two. Instead of being “wise beyond her years”, she is “beautiful beyond her years.”

Kristy Cha - In my realm of potential girlfriends/wives, there are two extremes to which a woman can belong. The home-girl and the trophy wife. Most girls fall somewhere into the middle, but in terms of Kristy’s beauty? She is equivalent to the winner for the best blueberry pie in Texas (by this I mean the trophy wife category). Her beauty is luxurious, opulent, and expensive. People sometimes say, “I feel like a million bucks.” Well, Kristy looks like it. When God put Kristy together, he must have paid a handful, because ember rubies, moonlit stardust, milky-smooth silk, and rainbow shards aren’t easy to come by.

Leena Yoo - Everyone in the world knows who Super Mario is. You know. . .the guy with the thick mustache, the blue plumber overalls, the red, long-sleeve undershirt, the giant, white gloves, and the cap with a letter “M” in the middle of it. If you’ve ever played one of his video games, you would know what his ultimate goal is: to save Princess Peach from the evil Bowser. So who is Mario and Bowser? I have no idea. But who is Princess Peach? Obviously it’s Leena Yoo, whose beauty resides in her princess-like charm and royalty. She is the princess in waiting for her knight in shining armor. And yes, every guy wants to marry a princess.

Mina Park - First impressions mean everything. They determine your set course of action in dealing with a particular human being, and that first interaction influences all other future personal exchanges between the two parties. First impressions mean everything. Some people go as far as acting completely different in order to be viewed more positively. Some will laugh at a poor joke, some will agree to this absurd opinion of liking country music, and some will shut their mouths in hopes of not risking embarrassment/dislike. But for Mina? First impressions don’t mean jack, because she needs not impress no nobody. Her beauty lies in its realness and authenticity. Just by looking at her, you can have an accurate depiction of what kind of person she is. In other words, you could say her beauty on the inside, can be seen on the outside, and vice-versa.

Robin Greenbaum - Most girls are bland. It doesn’t matter what they wear, how much makeup they put on, or how they walk. In general, most girls are dull and boring. But there are a select few that differentiate themselves from the norm, by doing what girls do best - highlighting their attributes. Robin is one of those girls. From her hair, to her complexion, to her clothing, and to her jewelry, Robin epitomizes the word “exotic,” which is defined as “intriguingly unusual or different; excitingly strange.” Some people are good writers, speakers, sports athletes, and the like. Robin’s special talent is ‘presentation’ and she is the master of her craft.

Sarah Chun - If you know anything about animes, then you know that there are a ton focused on Japanese school girls. This is quite tough to admit, but those animes are sometimes the most entertaining and enjoyable. Animes such as Kare Kano, Azumanga Daioh, and School Rumble (all of these are probably watchable on YouTube, fyi.) focus primarily on these Japanese school girls, their daily lives, their activities together, and their bubbly personalities. Sarah Chun is the real life essence of these characters. Her beauty is very “bubbly”, and if you know Sarah (or have even met her once) you should know that she needs no further explanation. Her beauty is flamboyance, exaggerated expression, and grandiosity of self, of happiness, and of life.

Sarah Jung - You’re at a group dinner. Where? I don’t know, you go ahead and pick. With who? Fellow classmates and peers. Why? Because you all felt the need to see each other. Ok, great, I’ve set this up as far as it should be. Around the table there are major and minor conversations going on. Idle chit-chat takes prominence over the setting, until a one Miss Sarah Jung arrives on the scene. And guess what? She’s got this really, really interesting story to tell ( ^_^ ). So yea, she does her thing, and the crowd’s general response? Let’s just say. . .mixed reviews. However, regardless of what the common majority says, she’s not one to listen. Why? Because she doesn’t care. I know this doesn’t sound very complimentary, but that is exactly the point I’m trying to make. The point that Sarah doesn’t need charity, sympathy, a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on. Nothing. Sarah’s beauty resides in her unbreakable self-esteem, self-fortitude, and self-assuredness. But the question remains, does this make her conceited? Not in the least. It does nothing more than make Sarah, well. . .Sarah. And that in itself, should be appreciated.

Sarah Ryu - “Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight. Lead me, out on the moonlit floor.” Blah, blah, blah. You know that song. It was sung by Sixpence None the Richer and it was the theme song for a movie called She’s All That. I’m sure most of you have seen it. Even the guys, though they might deny it. The movie focuses on Laney Boggs, who is a social outcast turned prom queen nominee overnight. I’m not going to go into details of the movie’s plot, but in short Sarah is AKPC’s Laney Boggs. Not to say that Sarah doesn’t look fantastic ever time I see her, but I think a great deal of her beauty is hidden. I ran into Sarah on campus this one time, and she had her hair down (something I hardly ever see her do). The difference in stunning beauty was like night-and-day. I was practically speechless, so flabbergasted by her “new” look, that I wasn’t sure if it was the same Sarah “Gretchen” Ryu that we all know and love. Sarah’s beauty has yet to be fully appreciated due to it being shrouded in secrecy. But keep your eyes open, cause you never know, people just might surprise you.

Seulki Choi - When most people go to class, they always sit in roughly the same area. If the class population is relatively small, then one would normally sit in the same seat every day. In many cases, it is not unusual to see one individual sitting next to the same people every day, because like that one person, the others have become accustomed to their one seat as well. Among these cases, they are also times in which that one person will not say a word to the ones around them, because they are afraid to break that ice or the other people look exceedingly intimidating. If you sat next to Seulki in class, regardless of whether or not you knew her, you would most likely say “hi.” Why? Because by appearance alone, Seulki is very approachable, amicable, and easy-going. Her beauty is very welcoming, warm, and compassionate, and if you don’t know her at all, don’t just wait till the semester is over and you have no idea who she is. Simply, try saying “hi.”

Taeyoung Kim - Do you remember back in elementary school, way back in the day, when you took a fellow student’s cool new pen/pencil and really, really didn’t want to give it back? Or when you said something excruciatingly mean and cruel to someone about their hair or their clothes, just because they looked better than you? Either way, I’m sure all of you can think of one instance or another where you’ve felt like being a “rebel” or a “badass.” If you look at Taeyoung though, you sit and wonder whether or not she’s actually ever done something wrong. Have you heard her voice? That voice is incapable of malice. Her eyes? Incapable of a dirty look. Her smile? No way in the world is she faking it. All in all, Taeyoung has managed to retain a little something, we call “innocence.” And believe me when I say, we could all use a little innocence in our lives.

Dear Faithful Readers,
I know it’s been a very, very substantial amount of time since the last time I wrote anything of meaning, but today I felt like getting off my lazy WoW playing ass and decided to finish a project I had long ago started. I have given the idea of Angels of Epiphany much thought, and though I originally planned to write five of them, I think it best that I just stop at four. I have re-examined my relationship to almost every girl I know, and although a few are very deserving to be written about, I won’t due to the sheer fact that it wouldn’t be well put together at all. If the occasion ever does arise, then I will write the 5^th, but as far as I’m concerned at the moment, this will be the last and final essay in the Angels of Epiphany series. With that being said, I do hope and pray that you all will enjoy this last and final one. I don’t know if or when I’ll write again, and when I do I’m not so sure as to what I will write about, but with that being the case, enjoy this one to the fullest. (By the way, this is going to be excruciatingly long, because honestly I don’t care if you read the whole thing or not, for all that matters is that she reads it in its entirety.)

Angel of Epiphany #4: Caroline Ahn

Lesson #4: You’ll Be in My Heart - Tarzan

Before I write about Caroline, there are one or two things you have to understand about me, Francis An. For one, I hate women. As much as I flirt with and hit on girls, there is one undeniable truth - that truth being women are stupid. They behave and act for the most part without any just reason or logic. To me, girls are nothing more than a pretty face and a sexual object. (Please finish reading this entire essay before you start to judge/hate me.) The second tidbit of information one needs to know about me is that I am a dick. This is understood and has already been doubly noted by many, but what I’m trying to do is specify one furthur aspect of my dickicity. I have a good number of guy friends, and for more than one reason, I have always been a jackass to their subsequent girlfriends. Now that this information has been addressed, I shall move on.

Caroline was and still is both of these things. She is obviously a female, and she is the companion to a friend of mine, whom I’ve known for over a decade. This usually would bode TERRIBLY, with me relentlessly insulting her or by giving her, what people call, the “cold shoulder.” Surprisingly, I have never done either. However, the only reason why I held back in the first place was because my friend is a few years older than I, consequently being a “hyung”, though you will NEVER EVER hear me call him that. I met Caroline several years ago, from what I can recall, when I was a sophomore in high school. Because of John’s status among my peers, I decided to put forth an effort to act nice, as opposed to being my usual jackass self. From the moment we were introduced, a good portion of my behavior was ingenuous; a mere ploy to seem polite, humorous, and easy-going. I am none of the aforementioned three. Caroline and I got along well enough, and from time to time when she visited our home city of Dallas, I would see her. The funny thing is that me and her boyfriend, were never really that close. In fact, I would hardly ever see him; only seeing him when Caroline was in town or when the gang would get together for a night of ballin’. Unlike with most “friends”, there was not a dribble of blood within my body that longed for her presence when she would leave. Her sporadic and unpredictable appearance would for the most part go unnoticed in my mind and heart. While she reads this, she might be a bit surprised as to my former attitude of our relationship, but she shouldn’t be. I treat every girl I meet in the same way, regardless of how I met you or who you are. To me, you are, at first, nothing but another girl.

A short few years later, I came to the University of Texas at Austin during the summer of ‘04. Much to my surprise, Caroline attended the same school, having transferred over just one semester earlier. Since I had started earlier than most of my same-grade level colleagues, I had a very short list of people with whom to chill or hang around with. Of course I had a few friends here and there, but after an extended period of time, one typically tires of seeing the same people over and over and over again. (No offense to my friends that summer.) Thus, shortly after school started, I started hanging around with my friend from back home, and ultimately Caroline. She greeted my acceptance into UT warmly, but I still held some reservation in my heart, complacent to actually become her friend. I came to the conclusion that Caroline would have to take, what I call, a “friendship” test.

A few weeks passed, and Caroline aced my “friendship” test with flying colors. It didn’t take me long to realize that Caroline was not only worthy, but very deserving of my friendship. During her testing, she demonstrated the ability to hold and keep an enjoyable conversation for an extended period of time. She displayed an adequate sense of wit and humor, not only laughing at good jokes/stories, but also being able to tell them as well. She showcased innate intellect and complete understanding of the complexities of myself and the world inside my head. When I would see her, she would always smile genuinely and beautifully. She exhibited an outlook towards life very similar to mine own. But most importantly, Caroline, to me, embodied the meaning of “real.” She was not acting as I had been, but rather it seemed as if she really and truly did like me. For what reasons, I have no idea. But eventually, I returned her offering of friendship by finally removing the mask of fakeness I had been wearing all along. I decided to invest into this woman, my real self, only hoping that she would accept it. I wasn’t expecting her to actually embrace it.

Our friendship grew and blossomed within just a few short months, and it culminated one day during a normal weekday afternoon in the fall. She called me, inaudibly asking for me to open the Jester sliding door for her. (This was when I lived at Jester West with Johnny Boy.) As I nonchalantly walked over to that sliding door, I was thinking nothing but thoughts of happiness; I was just glad for the opportunity to see her. However, when I opened that sliding door for Caroline, those thoughts of happiness vanished. I don’t remember if I noticed first, or whether she had to inform me of the situation, but in a story cut short, Caroline was saturated with sadness and pain.; enough to the point, where she started crying. (As mentioned before, I hate girls, which means I don’t keep many of them as friends. And because of that fact, I never have to deal with sad/crying ones. Normally, I‘m the one that‘s making them cry.) I was shocked with disbelief. I had no earthly idea or clue as to how I could help console her and her aching heart. We called her boyfriend, notifying him to come pick her up. He left for campus immediately, but even with the news of his imminent arrival, she wouldn’t stop crying. In all honesty, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to haul her petite body into my arms and to hold her tight inside my arms. I refrained. Instead, I did nothing but stand there, watching her cry tear and tear after tear. I stood timid and helpless. She eventually stopped crying, her boyfriend picked her up, and the next thing I knew it, she was gone. That night, I laid in my bed under the cover of night and reflected on that day’s tragic event. I knew she would be fine, but all I could think about was how I could do nothing to help her. I felt worthless and pathetic, my mind unremittingly replaying her tears over and over again. Before my grief and sorrow laid me to rest, I promised myself that I would never see her cry again. I promised myself that I would do whatever was in my power the next time around, to stop her from feeling anything but happiness. Why? Because I realized the second before I closed my eyes, that I love her.

(I would go on, but honestly, I’m sure even Caroline wants me to stop. Therefore, I’ll wrap it up as succinctly as I can.)

I’ve now expressed my care, concern, and love for Caroline, but you might be wondering how is she an Angel of Epiphany. I’ll tell you why. Because she is the sole reason why I have slowly but surely changed my outlook on the opposite sex. Sure I still act and say stupid, inappropriate things, but deep down inside, Caroline has deepened my appreciation for the female population at large. She has verified to me the knowledge that girls are beings that should be appreciated. Not just for their stunningly gorgeous countenances, or for their differences in bodily physique, or for their adorable behavior, but for their inner persons of understanding. They truly do just have a knack for making a man feel good about himself. (One compliment from a girl means more than twenty compliments from his boys.) For this, Caroline is an Angel of Epiphany.

Before I finish, there is one thing I must explicitly address to Caroline.

Hey Noona! :D I sure do hope that you enjoyed this. If you’re crying, I hope that they are all out of happiness. I apologize for having taken so long to write this, but I think it actually turned out for the better. I write this last part to you to let you know that I miss you. Ever since you graduated, I see too little of you, and tough to admit, but even your boy-toy. While thinking about this essay, I thought of him as well, and if it wasn’t for you we probably would have never become as close as we are. Him and I have fallen a little out of it, but I thank you for my friendship to him. I chose the song from Tarzan, because of obviously the title. Though days, weeks, months, and more time passes, you will always be in my heart. I miss our conversations, I miss your consoling me and my problems, I miss holding in a big juicy secret so that I can tell you when I see you, I miss our tricycle (You, Me, Your Boy) going out for dinner and movies, and most importantly, I miss being able to see your smile. Just know Noona, that wherever you are or wherever you go, I will always be a phone call away, patiently waiting to hear your enchanting voice. I love you, Caroline Ahn. I truly do love you.

p.s. - Don’t call me after reading this. I don’t know how to talk to you when you are feeling all emotional and stuff. Whatever you have to say to me about this paper, just let me know the next time you see me. Honestly, don’t call tonight, cause I’m not going to pick up.

p.p.s. - To clarify, You can still call me about other stuff on another day, but just not about this paper and not tonight.

Dear my faithful readers, it has been a while since I have written but I needed such a copious amount of time to be able to fully express my feelings for this next angel. Each and everyone one of my previous entries have included a brief, yet thorough, summary of my relationship’s past with whoever the person was, but in this entry I shall not concentrate so much on the history, but as to the feelings I had felt when I was with and after I was with this person. Beforehand I must advise you that this one might be one of the longest written, but please do take a few minutes out of your day to read the entirety of the entry. So without further a due, I present to you one of the most anticipated entries in my xanga career (well for me anyway). By the way, I meant to post this October 6th, because that was the official one year anniversary of our “breakup,” but I got fucking lazy, so I'm posting today.

Angel of Epiphany #3: Gloria Yong So

Lesson #3: There is no such thing as perfection.

“Hood rat. Street rat.
I don’t buy that.
If only they’d look closer,
Would they see a poor boy?
No siree, they’d find out….there’s so much more to me.” – Aladdin

Ok…where to start? Where to start? Ah yes, that’s right. Let’s start there.

Let me present to you a question. Have you ever awoken from a “perfect” dream? Sure there are many definitions to perfect, but I am talking about one specific kind of dream; a dream in which you spent the entirety it with that one special soul mate. Normally one would awake from such a dream a little short of breath, a tad woozy in the head, and with a heartbeat much, much more rapid than normal. If you have, then I envy you, but most likely, after awakening, you have no fucking clue who that person may have been. Sure you think long and hard, inserting random acquaintances into the scenario of the dream, but in a majority of cases, you come up empty-handed. But by the grace of God, I had this dream once when I was in roughly 6^th grade as well. The greatest aspect to my experience was that I managed to retain at least a slight portion of who that person was. At the time I had no fucking idea who it may have been, but luckily seven or so years later, I found her. It was the first day of summer orientation ’04 and she was at JCL wearing a pink shirt and jeans, eating a hamburger?, seated to the right of Jessica Lee. That dream girl was none other than Ms. Gloria So.

By all accounts, I remember waaaayyyyy too much of our short-lived time together so I’m going to skim it all and merely explain to you the basics.

-I actually attempted to quit smoking for her.
-I treated her nicer than all of my ex-girlfriends combined.
-We saw each other each and every single day for forty days straight.
-We SLEPT TOGETHER!!! (LOL. Sleep as in nap, not as in sexxxxxxxx, consequently wining myself a 40 dollar bet.)
-We made out in Jester Lounge. o_O jk.
-I went to AKPC for her, to prove that in some regards I am a religious human being. (And I am, despite my absence from any type of church activity.)
-She slept in my bed three or four mornings out of five every week. (On average.)
-And last but not least, for the first time in my life, I fell, head over heels, in love. (Despite what others may say.)

Those were the positives to our little relationship or whatever you may want to call it. Now here I present to you the negatives. (I will hold back a bit out of sincerity, but not because I fucking like you.)

-Her mother disallowed her from being with me.
-Gloria did it behind her mother’s back.
-After our “breakup”, most acquaintances and friends I had met through her, stopped acknowledging me.
-When I disappeared from AKPC, no one gave a FLYING FUCK!
-All of a sudden Chris So, started giving me this look of mass disapproval.
-Since I acted like a dick (I believe with just cause) and since she acted like a goddamn angel all the time, I was looked down upon.
-One of the main reasons why we weren’t allowed to be together was because I am Catholic. This fact crushing any type of respect I had for their church.
-I went into a semester of the deepest depression I’ve ever been in.
-My dine-in dollars and bevo bucks got ROBBED!!! (-200 plus)
-And most importantly, despite my “approval” of them being together, my best friend in Austin and she decided to fall for each other. (This happening after this “friend” knew that it had happened to me twice. Good one….approval my dick.)

That is the history in a nutshell, and now it is time for my feelings to take form and shape into words and phrases, as I attempt for the last time to purge myself of this “disease”.

Despite everything that has happened, there is still one inevitable truth. I miss her ass like crazy. Never in my life had I been as happy and tranquil as I was during those forty glorious days. And I do mean this more than anything else I’ve said about any other girl in any other entry. Yes, I was FUCKING HAPPY! You ever smile so much it hurt? I’m sure everyone has, but have you ever done it alone walking around campus on a Monday? Probably not. Somehow, she managed to entangle herself into damn near every thought that entered my mind. Every worry, every fear, and every concern that I had about life was wiped away within the blink of an eye. Well, all but one - her mother and our prohibition to see each other. Now, I don’t want to brag but most parents have approved of me being with their daughters. Whether it was my intellect, my role at church, my parents’ high approval rating, or my private school upbringing, but there was always one parent in the family that accepted me willingly to take emotional care of their daughter. But for the first time in my life, I was left without approval or admiration. Not only did I not have approval, but her parents despised me, thus ruining any chances I may have had. Why they found me so detesting is beyond me, but in the end I was left with nothing more than a mere “Thank you. Come again.” This irreconcilable difference is the one facet that led me spiraling down toward a good half-year or more of my darkest depression. Every single day was more tormenting than the one before. So repulsive is this cycle when there is no one to turn to, and with my boys having been in Dallas and what not, I was left miserable, alone, and cold during the chilly autumn nights.

There is one truth unnoticed by many but the truth is that there is a thin line between love and hate. For every moment that I cursed Gloria in my mind, thoughts of missing her, thoughts of how perfect she really was, and thoughts of me being able to overcome this one silly little difference skated through my mind and forced my heart to reconsider the situation. From time to time, her heavenly image will manage to sneak into my thoughts, even if its just for a split second or two, but it comes and goes like the breezy winter chill on my buttoned nose. When these thoughts come, I intently push them out of my mind, and this continuous struggle is why I dambae so goddamn much. This internal struggle is daily, in fact its hourly, because somehow, someway, she’s still entangled deep within the roots of my heart and mind.

Lastly, I once promised to Gloria from the bottom of my heart that I would love her like the sun and the moon. With every rising and setting of the sun and moon, I vowed to remember her and to reflect on the love that I left behind. Did I keep my promise? In many regards, hell no, but in some slight ways, I believe that I managed to keep it. Although I do not love her with each sunrise, sunset, and moonlit night, I do acknowledge the fact that I loved her more than anyone else I have ever loved. When I forcefully mull over only the joyous memories of us, a smile still manages to form across my dried-out lips. Because despite it all, the good outweighed the bad.

I once dreamed a perfect dream. A dream in which I was filled with the gift of grace and love. A dream which manifested itself into reality, if only for a moment. A dream which I will remember and strive to cherish forever. Alas, a dream from which I ultimately had to awaken.

(Ms. Gloria So on the left with lovely Sarah Jung on the right.)

p.s. - Much love to my boys back home, caroline noona, john ahn, heather, jinna, and jay for supporting me during my times of trouble.  If it wasn't for you guys, I don't know where I'd be.

p.p.s. - To any other guy who likes Gloria, take care of her please.  Treat her as sweet as i wish i could have done.  (But considering this, fuck all you guys who like Gloria as well.  ^_^ )